“I am afraid of being my real self, and getting my real self exposed.”
What we need is love and intimacy, is being able to be interdependent from another person, and real connection.
*These are my direct work journals (the direct patient contact is of course taken away).
01.
Those Who Can Not Have a Vulnerable Connection with Another Human
There are a lot of signs where one is struggling to have vulnerable connections with another human being.
It can be: Not talking at all; intellectualization, withdrawal into animation (just an example that slips into my mind, I loved animations as a child!) and other fantasy materials.
It also can be: Having to help others, but not being able to connect.
02.
Compulsive Altruism
And if we meditate on the concept of “always being there and accommodating for others”, That might indicate…
Fear of conflict
Fear of advocating for needs of himself
Fear of being the real self and getting the real self exposed.
And this kind of person might sounds like:
“Hey honey, I really like you. How does this sound? I can change myself unconditionally for you. I don’t have a need, I don’t have a wish, and I will sculpture myself totally according to what you want me to do. I do not have a shape. All I am asking for is that you never force me to show you what I really want and who I really am. How does that sound?”
03.
Energy-less Depression
How can you nurture yourself when you are always there for others?
When working with those who have “compulsive altruism”, I usually find that they are in lack of energy. They have exhausted their energy to stay away from others, and to avoid true intimacy.
As your therapist, I need to ask you a question:
How do you take care of your own needs?
Actually, when I am asking the question, I am in fact asking: How are you internalizing your parents’ caring?
03.
Parents of the Schizoids
For parents of the schizoids, they usually will tell the kids, “you are not worthy of being taken care of, or I am simply not here.”
And the fact that children have needs becomes a problem.
When we are children, we are in need of stable caretaker that’s present, consistent, and emotionally available. That helps us to develop healthy attachment.
Sadly, many parents were not able to be there for the child for a lot of reasons…that does not necessarily mean that they are “bad” abusive parents. Usually, real life issues can come in there, making them too exhausted to be there for their children.
04.
What Do We Need
We get something by taking care of others, but we need much more than that.
What do we need?
Love and intimacy,
Being able to be interdependent on another person,
And real connection.
If you compensate the depression by doing more, you may feel that you have to do everything by yourself. But how could you nurture yourself if you do not have anyone to talk to?
You take care of others’ needs, and feel a lack of nurture, as if you don’t have a self.
When you start the relationship, you don’t express your needs, but you will be frightened, nervous, question yourself, and at the end of the day, you need to be told that “everything will be ok”.
05.
To Make the Love Complete
One of my treatment goal is to help you express your needs, instead of just standing there and feeling sad.
That does not mean that you have to cling on others. I am asking you to tell me what your needs are, to challenge yourself to ask others for help, to start listening to your own needs and practice some self-care, and to stop over-nurturing others.
For if you are over-nurturing others, the love is not complete. You are preventing the need of wanting the other, and that will not help.
And I will need you to be brave enough, to allow me to take care of you as your therapist.
06.
“In My Old Grief, and My Childhood Faith”
In the long run, our treatment will help you to be in touch with your anger about the loss, and grieve it.
I believe that in order to lead a fulfilling life, we need to understand how we were provided with, and deprived of in our past, and to feel our anger, and to be in touch with our grieve.
A Fun Fact about Grieving and Depression:
If I grieve, if I am able to be angry, if I am able to be connected to my inner child, I don’t get depressed.
We are not necessarily talking about the death of parents here; we are talking about our lost childhood and our inner child that never got to grow up. We can still have parents here, but still feel abandoned if the parents fail to nurture us.
A nurturing parent needs to be able to let the child to feel upset, and patiently wait, until the child comes back when they are ready.
Maybe you do not have a parent that teaches you to do this, and it’s unfair that you have to learn it yourself. But luckily, it is not yet the end of the world.
07.
Dependency VS. Independency
You might be very independent, and block yourself in your needs.
That might work in a lot of times; however, that means you also tend to suffer more from depression.
Deep inside, you are compensating for a need and a loss.
You may tell yourself, if I need someone, and it hurts so bad, then I do not need them anymore. It makes me feel so bad and I’m not going to feel or need anymore.
And you contract against your own need, and refuse to enter a relationship that makes you need anything, and “regulate” your own energy, to make sure that you are not grieving.
08.
Breaking the Chain: Allow Yourself to Grieve and to Want Things
The root of grieving is “to accept that I lost something, to be angry that I did, and to accept that I lost it forever”.
If you can not accept that you lost something forever, you can not say goodbye to the thing, and start something new.
Allow yourself to have will break in the circle of not having.
At the end of the day, every child needs to be held by a loving parent, and when you are not, you will need to start grieving it. Can you start to grieve and allow yourself to feel the loss of the attachment, so now you will be able to have a new relationship?
I am curious to find out with you.
